Mister Cinecal

Mister Cinecal

Friday, 3 July 2015

An Exclusive Review Of The Day I Had Not Watching Terminator Genisys

Yesterday the latest blockbuster sensation, Terminator Genisys hit the silver screen worldwide. The beloved Terminator series is back, just like it said it would be, and this time-oh who could ever care? Learn to spell, then get back to me.

Spending actual cash money on an idiotic, soulless enterprise like Sega Genesys could only ever make me unhappy. I would write a review about how there were no stakes or whatever, I'd write some shite jokes about Arnold, you might read it, nobody would be happy. The spoilery trailers, the laughable spreads in Entertainment Weekly, the death grippingly strong insistence on clinging to 20 year old catch phrases for dear life, nothing about this has looked any good whatsoever, going to see it anyway with all that in mind, continuing to feed the machine, that's how they win. But it's not too late. We can still change the Future, we can prevent Judgement Day. This is the review of the day I spent not watching Terminator Spyll Chyck. 

The Day I Had Not Watching Terminator Genisys was a pleasant, if slight examination of the nature of freedom, and the simple joys that can be taken in a life spent not watching crap sequels. With plenty of free time on my hands and a determination to enjoy my Jai Courtneyless experience, I made the decision to travel into town and essentially just do what I wanted from there. Beginning with the grilled cheese on toast I had for breakfast in the morning, an air of self indulgence undeniably ran through The Day I Had Not Watching Terminator Genisys, with me using my free time mostly to wander around and buy things.

On the one hand, these things ended up costing more combined than one ticket to Terminator Genisys would have. On the other hand, the true cost to the soul of hearing Emilia Clarke doing an American accent cannot be measured. The purchases included actual good movie It Follows (with thanks to Sarah McGregor for the sneaky Cineworld discount), as well as a stack of comics from The Big Bang. This stack ended up getting inadvertently extended, as I had to hang around the store while a customer with a long list occupied the only employee at the till, and though this might have been a problem on other days, a) Mark Waid's Daredevil is the shit and I can always use more of it in my life, b) I can't begrudge The Big Bang's stellar customer service and c) I didn't have to see this:

Though it wasn't quite as warm as it has been on other days in the heatwave-laden week, it was still worth stopping off in St. Stephen's Green for a brief nap under a tree. Napping outdoors is a really peaceful activity that doesn't involve sticking the letter 'Y' into words in which it does not belong, and was only slightly tempered by the organised young performers singing and dancing at the nearby gazebo. They were trying their best. After the nap came some cannoli and oh man. Let me tell you about this cannoli. This was some transcendent shit.

For the first time some stakes arrived in The Day I Had Not Watching Terminator Genisys as my cholesterol level came under attack from sinister, delicious Italian desert, but it was just too good to be denied. It was the perfect 'turn your brain off'' experience! With a light and crispy shell and just the lightest orange flavour to the cream, the cannoli I had instead of watching fucking Terminator was a genuine thrill ride, and the perfect capper to an enjoyable day. So simple and enjjoyable was The Day I Had Not Watching Terminator Genisys, I've decided the best course of action is to replicate the basic, Genisys-avoiding concept of it every day, forever. And although sequels usually bring diminishing returns, the beauty of this is that the only possible way to diminish these returns is to in some way watch Terminator Genisys, which, nope.

5 stars. 2 thumps up. Cannoli/10

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