Jesus. Fucking. Christ. This, this thing. Is it real? Am I dreaming? FIFA, apparently under the impression that they are a ragtag group of beloved underdogs, spent millions funding this film about the Triumph of their Will and every story beat in the trailer made me spontaneously laugh and cry so hard at how this malevolent organisation sees themselves that I began convulsing and vomited up all my organs. Nearly.
It starts with the kind of footage playing on a wall in a museum that everybody just walks past to get to the interesting stuff, with a room of rich white dudes agreeing, "yes, we shall call it...FIFA!" with so much reverence you'd think they'd just come up with the cure for cancer or, better yet, the cure for FIFA. They are sneered at by a baddie (you know he's bad because he's old, white, wealthy and well-dressed, just like all the protagonists shown in the trailer..) "your so-called federation doesn't even exist yet", really evoking sympathy for the rich administrative organisation.
Gerard Depardieu and Sam Neill show up as former FIFA presidents Jules Rimet and Joao Havelenge respectively, with looks on their faces like they're blocking out this terrible movie and just focusing on the solid gold house they can buy with that sweet FIFA money. But then Sam Neill's all like "dammit we have no money, who can save us!?" Luckily, a hero is going to emerge...Tim Roth as current FIFA president Sepp Blatter.
The trailer shows that the film will take on the issue of corruption in FIFA with all the effort of a footballer trying to save penalties his kids shoot at him when they bring their children out onto the pitch on the last day of the season. "I don't know where the money's gone! I mean...I have my suspicions..." Completely Innocent Leader Sepp Blatter says. Blatter's been betrayed you see. Poor Blatter! Quick, elect him for another term as FIFA president, the poor boy needs something good in his life! Roth dramatically climbs stairs and dramatically walks through rain and dramatically talks on the phone like he's in The Manchurian Candidate instead of a piece of bland corporate propaganda that doth protest too much. Actually forget that, FIFA would never protest at all, protests are bad and FIFA is good. FIFA gives you the football, and in their minds that makes them the thing you really love. The trailer closes with some stock footage of actual footballers like Pele and Zidane before closing on one last self-aggrandising note about making history. Yeah, Pele's cool and all, but he can't match the history making of Joao Havelenge, just think of all the forms he had to sign! Fuck Pele, the only forms he ever signed were for Viagra prescriptions.
|You Will Believe A Man Can Give Himself A Payrise!|