Mister Cinecal

Mister Cinecal

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Tom Cruise Lost It Much Earlier Than You Thought

Now Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, like many people who have a big influence on Hollywood, knows the power of using movies to control people. As everybody knows, 75 million years ago, after transporting billions of aliens to the planet earth (or its true name, Teegeeack) and destroying most of them by detonating all the volcanoes of the planet with hydrogen bombs, Xenu gathered his victims souls (or thetans) with his electronic ribbon and took them to his cinema. There, the thetans were forced to watch a 3D movie (the horror) for 36 days, which implanted false memories in their minds about religions other than Scientology. The thetans then put themselves into the bodies of those not killed by the explosions, and used the false memories to negatively affect those of us still living.

Everybody does know that, right?

Regardless, it shows that the evil ol’ Xenu was a movie buff, despite his enjoyment of 3D. I have a theory that perhaps he wasn’t the only one to use movies to his advantage. Perhaps the Scientologists used his own tactics against him? I believe that around the 1980’s, the Scientologists constructed a robot-person, to appear in movies and gain our trust. This robot-person would be simultaneously charismatic yet obviously inhuman. By becoming a Hollywood heart-throb, he would capture the hearts and minds of millions. By repeatedly starring in movies where he runs away from explosions, this robot-person would subtly try to get us to remember the hydrogen bomb volcanoes and get us to shake off Xenu’s thetans. Now this might sound far-fetched to you, but to a Scientologist there would be nothing weird about an acting robot.

Of course, this Thespian Organic Machine, Controlled Remotely Under Influence of Scientologist Engineers, or T.O.M. C.R.U.I.S.E. would have to start at the bottom of the Hollywood ladder and work its way up, so as not to arouse suspicion. By 1983, it was ready for its first role as a leading “man” in the awful comedy, Losin’ It, which also stars Shelley Long of Cheers fame and Jackie Earle Haley, neither of whom are robots so far as my research can ascertain. On this week’s Inside the Skeleton’s Closet, I’ll assess whether the T.O.M. C.R.U.I.S.E. was ready to start freeing our minds of alien ghosts or if it still required a few updates before it could work properly. Perhaps Apple helped to build it. I would let you guess what exactly ‘it’ is that they’re trying to be ‘losin’ in this film, but if you didn’t figure it out instantly you’re probably not actually reading this and just opened this page to do me a favour. Thanks mother!

The plot of Losin’ It sees a group of teenagers from the 1950’s head down to Tijuana, Mexico, the happiest place on Teegeeack, to lose their virginity and buy firecrackers and such. T.O.M. plays a young man named Woody, because this is a sex comedy. Fellow Academy Award nominee Jackie Earle Haley plays Dave, the requisite sex pest character. The group is rounded out by Dave’s younger brother Wendell, one of the schoolboy businessmen who only exists in movies who wants to buy some of the local goods (this doesn’t mean drugs although if it did it would mean a much better film.) and Spider who really wants to see a donkey show. I forget their real names, but the actor who plays Spider also showed up alongside our robot friend in Top Gun as Cougar, so I guess characters with stupid names are his specialty. Along the way they pick up Shelley Long, an older woman seeking a quick divorce down south, and then they head for the border for the best sex and Mexican stereotypes money can buy.

T.O.M. gives a subdued performance, playing the quieter, less annoying member of the group. Too shy to lose his virginity to a Mexican prostitute, instead his time is devoted to romancing Shelley Long. Although she does get back with her husband at the end so T.O.M.’s powers of suggestion obviously still needed fine-tuning. Everyone else just keeps yapping and yelling and punching things and trying to date rape Mexicans, they all start to grate on your nerves after a while. Jackie Earle Haley as the ‘wacky’ character is the worst of the lot, doing all the standard Stifler bits, stuffing socks down his pants and…trying to date rape Mexicans. He keeps trying to get ‘Spanish Fly’, which he says makes women weak at the knees, so he can slip it in their drinks. He also has a stupid hat. I hate him.

I really should stop choosing comedies for this feature. There have to be a few terrible dramas in actor’s pasts that I could make fun of. A bad drama or action movie can at least be fun to make fun of, but with a bad comedy, which Losin’ It most definitely is, you’re just staring at the screen, stone-faced, asking questions. Why am I doing this? Why didn’t I apply myself more? Why is Spider going to a donkey show? There are so few laughs I begin to wonder if the film was just marketed incorrectly, and it’s supposed to be a more serious story about a lad’s holiday that goes south. At least when Adam Sandler was mugging around on that cruise ship last week talking to King Neptune I knew that in theory I should be laughing, when Spider is getting beaten up in a jail cell it seems a little heavy for a movie that dropped a ‘g’ in its title. It is kind of funny in the second scene of him getting beaten up where they forget to take out the sound effects of the punches and kicks being thrown around, but I don’t think that was intentional. Jackie Earle Haley is threatened with having his dick burned off. Good.

In the end everything works out just fine. T.O.M. deletes its virginity and learns a thing or two about the human emotion, love. Jackie Earle Haley is humbled enough to shut up for a minute and throw away that sock. Wendell gets some respect from his brother. Spider never did make it to that donkey show, but I guess they were saving that for a sequel. Losin’ It Some More or Finding It Again or whatever. Just a few months after this mistake, our favourite perpetually smiling actor machine starred in a more successful teen-comedy, Risky Business and set itself on the path to box-office domination and subtle mind-control. Everybody wins. Now I could tell you more about that good work T.O.M. C.R.U.I.S.E. is doing to free us from the thetans, but I fear that you’re not ready to move on to the next stage on the path to redemption. Simply send me $10,000 via Paypal, and I can personally audit you to ensure you’re prepared for the next step. Please note that failure to be properly audited and attempts to gain knowledge about T.O.M. C.R.U.I.S.E. without making proper payment first will result in pneumonia. You can read all about it in my religious screed/film screenplay, Jerry Maguianetics. I wouldn’t lie to you or anything. You can trust me.

Please give me money.


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