This past week the SyFy channel aired an educational film, which is unusual for a channel that seems unsure of how ‘Science Fiction’ is spelt. This public services announcement, entitled Sharknado was highly informative and has left my far more prepared for the dangers of tornadoes with sharks in them, a threat that I had been tremendously ignorant of for some time. Alas, it appears that despite much interest in the title on the line, actual viewership of Sharknado was not that high, leaving many still vulnerable to the threat of sharknadoes. But if you failed to watch and learn, do not worry, you need not be eaten by a shark in a tornado due to your stupidity. I will take the lessons I learned from Sharknado and present them here as a handy FAQ for anyone concerned with the combination of adverse weather conditions and fish with sharp teeth.
Q. What is a Sharknado?
A. Sharknado is a tornado. With sharks.
Q. How will I recognise a Sharknado?
A. Sharknadoes are distinctive for their resemblance to poorly-rendered CGI effects, and for all the sharks.
Q. What causes a Sharknado?
A. Global warming, because reasons. There have been documented cases of hundreds of fish being caught up in wind and dropped elsewhere and because shark are fish, of course this could happen to them as well. Then they will eat you because sharks are evil.
Q. What do I do when a Sharknado hits?
A. Run away. Do not rescue dogs trapped in cars. This will kill you, just as it did in Man of Steel. The moral is, kill all dogs.
Q. How dangerous are sharks from a sharknado?
A. As with most things this is dependent on whether or not you have a chainsaw. Since chainsaws are effective weapons and not heavy, unwieldy gardening tools, they are invaluable in case a tornado throws a shark at you. Fact: 100% of all shark-related deaths occurred when the victim did not have a chainsaw with them out in the water. I think that speaks for itself. As Sharknado demonstrates, sharks are slightly softer than butter, so holding a chainsaw up to one as it is flung at you at high speed will quickly cut it in two. Always remember this. If possible, have one of your hands replaced with a chainsaw. Tips on how to do this can be obtained from another education film, Evil Dead II.
Q. If I have been eaten by a shark, how will my chainsaw help me then?
A. Quite easily. The sharp teeth of a shark are merely for show and the sea creature prefers to swallow its food like a duck. This means that you will arrive in the stomach of the shark whole and conscious. If you have a chainsaw with you, you can now easily craft a route out of the shark. If you do not have one with you, simply wait for the arrival of another person, who will have a chainsaw because they are smarter than you, to rescue you.
Q. What do I do if someone loses consciousness due to being swallowed whole by a shark?
A. Have someone the victim has sexual tension with perform mouth-to-mouth immediately. This will do something.
Q. How prepared are emergency services/the government for a Sharknado attack?
A. Open your eyes Sheeple. Sharknado teaches us that the government is more interested in monitoring the favourite cheeses of its citizens than helping them not get eaten by sharks and are in fact probably responsible for the creation of the sharknado in the first place. Emergency services only show up after everybody has already been saved to take them away. When a Sharknado hits it is every citizen for themselves.
Q. How do I dispel a Sharknado?
A. Tornadoes are caused when cold and warm air meet. Bombs cause explosions. Explosions are very hot. Logically, if you bomb a tornado, this ‘equalises’ it, and then something happens.