Mister Cinecal

Mister Cinecal

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Now You See Me is a Movie I Won't Be Seeing, Coming Up With Clever Blog Titles is Hard

Today sees the Irish release of Now You See Me, a movie about magicians who pull heists. It received decent reviews in America and pulled in some decent money. It stars some talented people, like Michael Caine, Woody Harrelson and Melanie Laurent. It also stars that guy from Season 9 of Scrubs with the face that everyone on the planet universally decided they couldn't stand but let's not hold that against it.

Sorry Dave Franco, but your face is the worst. We all took a vote.

It could well be the best movie about doing magic tricks ever made but from the moment I saw the trailer I decided I wouldn't be watching it. Here's the trailer, and after that five reasons why you won't be seeing me seeing Now You See Me, see?

1. The Stupid Name
I never said they would be good, logical reasons. Maybe I'm just a joyless man, decrepit, quietly seething at movies that dare to be any less than really good, sitting in the dark, alone, refreshing the page view stats of my blog over and over again so as to validate my bitter opinions. But I find that stupid damn name just rankles my very soul. The screenwriter must have put it down as a placeholder, checked Google to see if Hocus Pocus was already taken, discovered that it was and just never got around to changing it. I can't decide what about it annoys me more, the fact that it's so on the nose or the fact that it's so on the nose but it's still somehow a better title than The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Why are there two movies about magicians out this year? Are magicians making a comeback? Is that a world I really want to live in? I may not have to for much longer, because if this does well enough to get a sequel called Now You Don't I'll become so enraged that my head will disappear! By which I mean explode.

2. Dave Franco's Face
Just look at it!
Someone tried to recreate James Franco and the results were even worse than we could ever imagine.

3. Morgan Freeman Repeating Himself
Now Morgan Freeman has narrated a lot of things in his time. I'm sure he narrates himself in his daily life, throwing his grass clippings into a bag, forgetting to buy milk when he really wanted milk, making eyes at a young starlet he was sure was taken in by his smooth and sultry voice ("Jennifer Lawrence turned away from Morgan, rolling her eyes and saying something that sounded like Old Man Smell. But wily Morgan was playing the long game and he knew that eventually she would be asking Morgan for his Deep Impact...I was in that one, right?") He can do this kind of thing in his sleep which means he probably wasn't paying too much attention when he was recording lines for the Magic Movie. But he just keeps repeating himself in this trailer! "Come in close, because the more you think you see, the easier it'll be to fool you" is not that different from "Look closely, because the closer you think you are, the less you'll actually see". Just pick one!

4. They Demand To Be Taken Seriously
Now I know The Prestige was a movie that took itself very seriously, despite being about magicians, but that was made by Christopher Nolan, a man whose whole life looks like the colour grey and sounds like that BRRAAAAAAAAHHHMMMMPPPP noise. Now You See Me is a dumb summer blockbuster directed by the same guy who did Clash of the Titans, yet it acts super serial. Quick cuts! Secret agents! Four horsemen! Just keep in mind, this is a movie about people who pull handkerchiefs out of their sleeves. Yet when Jesse Eisenberg starts up his neurotic-but-cocky bit about being the smartest guy in the room I feel like I'm given out to personally. Hey screw you Eisenberg.

5. I Can't Actually Afford To Go See It
Blogging doesn't actually pay that well you know. Let me know if it's any good.

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