DID YOU KNOW!?
Not only am I a person desperately struggling to create a blog that gets more than 15 daily views, but I am also a person desperately trying to create a film script that will be accepted by those Hollywood fat cats. I have posted many scripts to ‘Movie People, Hollywood, California?’ but have yet to receive a reply. I have decided, because I have this fantastic online avenue to communicate with people all over the world, and because stamps aren’t free, to simply pitch some of ideas here and let the movie people (that’s what they call them, movie people) come to me. Keep in mind, this is a non-exhaustive list, I have billion dollar ideas nearly every day.
#1 Matter-Eater Lad
Superhero movies are a guaranteed money-spinner. Unless Ryan Reynolds is involved. There are many superhero movies in development but I checked and there are currently no plans to adapt the story of Matter-Eater Lad, a member of DC’s Legion of Superheroes. I believe movie audiences are in danger of tiring of heroes with super strength, incredible intelligence or visually interesting mutations. Matter-Eater Lad is a hero unlike any the public have seen so far. He has the power to eat things. The movie need not be bogged down with a complicated origin story as his is quite simple. He is an alien from the planet Bismoll. The citizens of the planet Bismoll found that microbes made their food inedible, so they naturally evolved the ability to eat all matter. Now, he is a member of the Legion of Superheroes, and some might say that a character who eats things is unable to carry a movie on his own. These people are pessimists. If (when) Matter-Eater Lad: The Movie is a success, you can begin to introduce other members of the Legion, Avengers style, until finally bringing them all together for a sure-fire hit. That way, other underutilised characters like Bouncing Boy and Arm Fall Off Boy can get their due.
#2 Albegra: The Movie
For decades, teachers of History and/or English have gotten away with poor planning and/or hangovers by just putting on a movie that relates to their subject and calling it a day. This is just the kind of laziness that teachers are known for, however it’s only fair that this be extended to other teachers, like those who do mathematics, who really only have A Beautiful Mind, at a stretch. Algebra: The Movie would provide them with a valuable resource that would be as educational as it is time consuming. What I like about this is that the plot is so evident, it more or less writes itself. Starring: Shia Labeouf as the minus symbol, as few have more experience in subtracting from their films.
#3 America’s Next Top Film Extra
Why should television get to dominate the realm of reality television, besides the obvious answer? Many television shows have searched for America’s Next Top something, with degrees of success varying from unsuccessful to completely unsuccessful, but America’s Next Top Film Extra would really sort the wheat from the chaff. While an unrelated film plays out in the foreground, like another Hangover or whatever, contestants will be in the background taking part in numerous challenges such as ‘not being distracting’ and ‘walking from one side of the screen to the other’. Fighting the natural reality show contestant compulsion to be in the spotlight will make this the most gruelling challenge they have ever faced, and the meta-concept is sure to pique the interest of director Charlie Kaufmann. Audiences will push a button in the theatre to vote for the winner, then wait patiently for the results to get back to the producers, who will then organise shooting the ending, where the winner is announced in the background of the climax of the film. This ending will then be sent out to the cinemas where audiences have been waiting patiently for weeks, living off popcorn. The winner will be allowed a line in the sequel, America’s Next Top Film Extra II: In Hawaii Now!
#4 America’s Next Top Film Extra II: In Hawaii Now!
As above but in Hawaii.
#5 Adam Sandler Shits in a Bucket
All the fun of an Adam Sandler movie with none of the drawbacks like talking or things happening. Get ready to roll in the aisles as Adam Sandler, playing himself, shits in a bucket, also playing itself. Perhaps at one point, a person in a wheelchair will roll into frame and get punched in the face, just to mix things up, but don’t worry, the majority of the focus will remain on Adam Sandler, taking a shit, into a bucket. Featuring all the exaggerated facial expressions and funny fart noises you’ve come to expect from the abundant talent of Adam Sandler, but with all the shitting in a bucket audiences worldwide have obviously always been hoping for in paying to see Adam Sandler movies. Run Time: 189 minutes Projected Opening Box Office: 189 BILLION DOLLARS
Do you have a pitch for a movie? Feel free to write it in the comments, so that I may later produce a slightly altered version of it on Kickstarter and become rich beyond your wildest dreams.